I sometimes hear from wives who are really itching to contact the woman with whom their husband cheated or had an affair. Some know that other woman - even if she is only an occasional acquaintance - and others are strangers to her. But most can figure out how to contact her. And some want to actually speak with or write her a letter in the hopes that it will MeetMe.com Reviews bring them closure and allow them to move on.
I might
hear a comment like: "for the past three months, my husband and I have
been trying to begin the healing process after his affair. Very slowly, I feel
that we are beginning to make some progress. However, I am still very bothered
about thoughts of the other woman. She works with my husband. I have seen her,
but I do not know her personally. My son plays baseball with her son also so I
also occasionally see her at the ball park. At first, I didn't want to have
anything to do with her. But lately, I have begun to entertain the idea of
talking to her, or at least writing her a letter. I want her to have to look me
in the eye and tell me just why she thought it was OK to cheat with another
woman's husband. And I want to know what my husband said about me and about our
marriage. I want her side of the story. And I want for her to see that I am a
real, breathing person with real feelings. I could easily wait outside of her
office at the end of the day or I could approach her at the ball park. And if I
lost my nerve with that, I could always send her an email or a letter. But I
really want to look her in the eye. I am MeetMe
starting to believe that I need to contact her in order to get closure, but my
best friend says that no good can come from opening this particular can of
worms. Is she right? I feel like if I don't contact her, then I will never be
able to stop thinking about her."
Why
Contacting Her Often Gives You The Opposite Of Closure: Before I tell you my
very honest opinion, I will tell you that not every one is going to agree with
what I'm going to say. Some have called my stance the coward's way out. But let
me tell you why I have the stance that I do. Many people have approached me or
written about this very topic. I always discourage them from contacting the
other woman for reasons that I will outline below. Of course, some will still
go forward and contact her anyway. I can honestly say that very few come back
and say that it went well. The vast majority and come back and say that it was
a big mistake because they are more angry than they have ever been during the
entire process. And many find themselves thinking about the other woman even
more than ever. When the goal is to get closure, I have to tell you that
contacting her usually gives you anything but closure. And the reason for this
is that she will often tell you things that (whether they are true or not) are
upsetting. Sometimes, she wants to hurt you. And other times, she really isn't
trying to hurt you, but she is trying to paint herself in the best possible
light and so she will make the husband out to be the aggressor.
Many wives
envision this meeting with the other woman as a calm meeting in which she is
apologetic and she promises that she will stay away. This so rarely happens.
She will sometimes feel the need to explain herself and will get somewhat
defensive because of this. And even if she doesn't mean to, she might lash out
and say hurtful things MeetMe.com
or give you mental images that might never come out of your head. And frankly,
so many wives tell me that they replay the meeting with her over and over in
their mind. If the whole idea is to move on, do you really need even more
things to run through your head and ruminate over?
Alternatives
To A Face-To-Face Confrontation: Here is my suggestion. Write a letter. Get
everything out. Say everything that you want to say to her and then some. And
then leave the letter for a week or so. See if just writing the letter helps to
release your emotions. My ultimate suggestion is to burn the letter. Many
therapists recommend this for closure in all kinds of situations.
If you
absolutely feel as if you must have a say, then I highly recommend that you set
it up so that the dialog isn't endless. Send an email or letter so that you
have the last word. If you must look her in the eye, say something incredibly
brief and walk away. But honestly, this is not ideal. I have never, not once,
gotten an email that said "confronting the other woman was the best thing
I ever did. Because I looked her in the eye, I never think of her anymore. I am
totally able to put her out of my mind now."
Instead, I
get things like: "what a piece of work that woman is. All she could do was
tell me how I should have kept my husband satisfied. And then she had the
audacity to tell me that she could get my husband back if she wanted and that
she could end my marriage on a whim. She said my husband is only with me
because of our kids. I was so angry I couldn't even form a sentence. And I am
still so livid. And now I'm thinking about all of the things that I should have
said but was too stunned and upset to say. She's even sent me a couple of
sarcastic emails. What a mistake to let that crazy person into my life. What
was I thinking? And now I can't un-ring that bell."
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